Changes In The After Part I
by J. L. Collins
Summary: First short story in a fanfic story-arc dealing with Bella and her new life, the interactions of the other characters with her and a kind of reflecting on herself. Nineteen years into Bella's future after being turned. Ignores B/D.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is the first short story in a fanfic story-arc that I'm working on, dealing with Bella and her new life, the interactions of the other characters with her and a kind of reflecting on herself. **

**This story is for all of the Twilight fans out there, who along with myself, wished that Bella could've been more 'post-Nessie'-badass, without the Nessie. Make sense? Awesome. :)**

**Disclaimer: I own the socks on my feet & the bag of pretzels that I'm eating. I do not however, own anything related to the Twilight Saga. All of that belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

Changes In The After

Part I: Woman Unfurled

I walk the streets alone at night sometimes. I no longer have to be afraid of the scary monsters that used to haunt my dreams when I was just a kid. Mainly because now I can protect myself from them (the ones that are _really real _like rapists and muggers and serial killers), but also because _I'm_ a monster. Kind of....

The slick pavement is noiseless beneath my feet, always surprising me after all these years. I make no noise when moving around, unless I want to. Which of course is never, because I still don't like being noticed so much, when I can help it. In late of night- that's my favorite time to just be me, by myself. No one is there to gawk at my unnerving appearance; no one is there to get me to talk to them in their oh-so-perfect voice...no one is there to laugh at my still-humanly ways. I don't have to constantly think about how I've caused heartache after heartache. I don't really have to think of anything...if I choose so.

To say that I've changed over the past nineteen years, is somewhat of an understatement. Like a 'William Shakespeare was just a poet'-kinda understatement. I mean sure, I've changed from a human to vampire in the matter of three days...and yes that's a very prominent easy-to-assess change...but I've changed in so many other ways as well.

Nowadays, you can see me doing an assortment of things that in my human days, I'd never even thought of doing . Like the walking around at night, taking sky-diving lessons, writing my own novels and spending entire days just swimming at the beach.... Literally, I dive underwater not bothering to come up for air, sometimes for hours on end. I guess I've gotten over the initial uncomfortable feeling of my lungs not contracting and expanding. Even now, after learning to become an excellent swimmer, I still imagine what it was like when I almost drowned in my previous life. I can still remember the thick density of the water, feeling myself being tumbled upon with each wave. Seeing Edward begging me to live.

Not the greatest of memories to take with me, I know.

But a very powerful one, indeed.

Also, now I tend to be more easily-irritated, often finding myself walking out of a room when I get in a heated debate over the simplest thing with another person.

Tenacity is a newly-developed trait of mine; one that Edward both loves and hates. I've always been stubborn, just not to the level that I am now.

Something about me that I seem to have inherited from the rest of my new family, is my love for fast cars. In our house that Edward and I had built almost six years ago, we have a whole separate lot just for our cars. Edward likes the smooth precision and handling of the European brands, while I'm more into old American muscle-cars. An obsession that was probably handed over years ago, from Jake.

I still get things done and it still takes me a ridiculously long time to make a decision, (good thing I have all the time in the world). We made it so that Charlie still sees me every now and then, just without all the supernatural crap involved.

Still not sure how we managed to pull that one off...All he knows is that there are things that neither Billy, myself or Sue can explain to him. He just accepts it and moves along. Then again, my Dad was always an open-minded person...

One thing that hasn't changed? I'm still a voracious reader- having a library of my own, comprised of over 26,000 books...all of which I've read.

Jacob still comes by every few months to check in on me, when he's not out running with Seth & Embry. They usually come to see me here, at our own place. It's safer, considering we don't really know how long it needs to take for vampires being around La Push, to create more werewolves. It's better this way- no more children having their lives and loves stripped from them.

But I do miss First Beach and Jake's old garage.

Not that he needs it now- now that the man owns his own auto-repair shop, twenty miles or so east of Seattle. He's still the same old Jacob, just a little older and wiser (not in appearance, though).

Leah & Embry just moved around there too, maybe a year ago. She chose to stop phasing before that, just long enough to see if she was finally able to get pregnant. She's due by the end of the fall. This makes me think of her and Embry as a small miracle in comparison to all the chaos that used to surround us years ago.

Seth and his wife, Nora, are also expecting their third child, sometime in November or December. They already have a ten year-old son, Harry, as well as Edie- kindly named after Seth's favorite vampire; my husband.

To this, I laughed and told them that if they had another son, they would need to name him Belthazar or something to that extent.

Quil isn't much for talking these days. He hasn't been his old self, since before the crash.

He was escorting Claire to her senior prom, when a drunk-driver hit them while running a red light. Quil of course, healed within a few days of the accident. Claire on the other hand, was comatose with extensive brain damage for the next two months.

After much serious debate, her parents made the painful decision to take her off of life-support. The moment they pulled the plug on Claire, someone pulled a plug on Quil's life support, too.

He was so scarred by the senseless tragedy, that he only just recently realized that the imprint on her was gone. It only lasted while they were both alive.

He never phased after that, too scared of the possibilities of everything that came with it. Would he imprint on someone else? Did he want to place those sick, twisted feelings on the rest of his pack? He was tired of never aging, tired of being sixteen forever. He was just _tired_.

The night that Jacob came to me to tell me about the accident, I sobbed tearlessly next to him, on our front porch.

You see, the thing about being once human and now not...was that you had to endure those you love who still _are_ human and their frail, limited bodies and ignorant minds.

_We_ know what it's like to go from feeling awkward, clumsy and weak to feeling invincible, powerful & strong. Everything about your way of life changes. The way you smile, the way you listen, the way you observe others...you become more aware of everything around you.

I stand here, at an old stony bridge built over the small creek. I reflect on time and the non-existence of it in my new life. A sudden realization hits me when I look down at my unnecessary, just-for-looks watch.

The date today is September 13th and I smile. Today is my birthday.

I have been nineteen for exactly nineteen years now. I'm double my 'vampire' age, while only looking half of my 'human' age. If that makes sense...

I should really be thirty-eight. But I am still nineteen.

I suppose I shouldn't even be counting anymore. I guess it doesn't matter.

I know Edward is probably waiting for me to come back home. I told him I wouldn't be long, which for me, means I'll be back before sunrise. In my beginning days as a vampire, I couldn't fathom being away from him. Everything was so fresh and so new, I wanted to document everything from the way this new color in the rainbow looked, to the way I could leap over a great distance without any effort.

Now I'm not as enlightened by everything as I was, but I still very much enjoy my time spent with my family & Edward....

**t.b.c.**

**Look for Part II, soon!**


	2. Part II

Changes In The After

Part II- Cutting Through The Steel.

After all that has happened, I notice things even more perceptively than before. But even with that, I somehow managed to become a more independent person. My own kind of person, really. Of course my life would be nothing without Edward, I will always feel this way about him. In that thought, I am infallible.

Yet now, I see that it's okay to not go along with the flow all the time. I see that even Edward has flaws that he has already admitted ten times over to me; I just never cared when I was human.

Possessive. Jealous. Too formal and sometimes too nurturing.

These flaws are nothing compared to how he could be, especially as a vampire.

These are things that he has already alerted me of, but only now do I understand what he meant. The good part is that to whatever extent he may be all those things; I still love him deeply for it. Maybe even more, because of it. I've never thought myself as perfect, this much is true. So now that there is even more of a balance, I happier than I thought I could be.

Alongside of my family, I have felt completely loved and cared for. Our family bonds are non-changing, un-breakable. They'd accepted me into their lives even before I was a vampire. And even more so, once I had become one.

That time was one that I will never forget...

I was a young wife, just back from her honeymoon. Edward and I however, were not the happy newlywedded couple it had seemed. I didn't want to go back home so soon, but he said that we needed to, in order to move our things to our new house in Alaska. I wasn't looking forward to all the cold, especially after the warm tropical heat from the South Atlantic.

The weather's heat was warm, but not as warm as my cheeks were when we had first made love. Edward had laughed to himself, something about not having any protection. I laughed as well, informing him that we didn't need it- not only because it was unecessary, but because I was on birth control to regulate certain girly-things of mine...

Not the best way to start of your first sexual experience. But we weren't your average couple, either.

But we eventually made our way back home, still alive and in one-piece. Jacob had called Charlie to see if we had made it back from the honeymoon and Charlie mentioned to him that we were already having our first married fight, but yes, I was back. I know now that Jake was just checking to make sure I was still alive and human....

A couple of painful goodbyes and weeks later- we were moved into our new house.

The very next day, I asked Edward to come through with his end of the bargain. After a _very_ long scene of stalling, he caved in and my whole family surrounded me for three days while the transformation took place....

Once I was fully a vampire, I saw everything for the first time again. Everything from the colors, the angles, the dust in the air...to the beautiful people standing in front of me.

My life seemed to stretch out for miles and mile in front of me. And I would know, because now I could finally see that far ahead.

Years really did pass quickly. I remember thinking 'Wow, I'm graduating college,' then the next thing I knew, Edward and I moved from Alaska, to be closer to the Cullens in New York. Edward insisted on us living in our own cottage, upstate. He got his wish when Carlisle and Esme built us a house across the road from theirs. Edward looked at me skeptically when he saw the smug smile on my face.

It paled in comparison to their practical mansion, with it's large grounds and half-a-mile long driveway. Completely modernized-looking and completely beautiful. Just like them.

But it's charm and beauty held nothing to our cottage. Small and quaint, it was just big enough for the two of us. Since Carlisle had our own wing built into their house, we kept a lot of our rarely-used items and such over there. Even my library with it's plethora of books were kept there for a while, until I couldn't bare to be so far from a midnight read. Then they helped add on our addition to the cottage. It went oddly well with the 'walk-in closet' Alice made sure I had. The 'closet' being bigger than our cottage itself, of course.

We've been here for so long now, that I told Edward we were to stay here indefinitely, until I decide which country I wanted to live in for a couple of years. We constantly travelled, but my wish was to one day live somewhere completely

exotic and different. I think it's now safe to say that I always get my way with him. I'm looking in to several Asian and European countries, for the time being.

While we may be in our own little cottage, most of the time, we enjoy our time well-spent with our family.

Yes, our family is quite the oddity for an outsider to look at. We all look roughly the same age, with the exception of Carlisle & Esme, who look like they may be no more than ten years older. We haven't had to move, luckily, because we aren't close enough to a town for anyone to take much notice of us.

We are never-changing, always present. Even so, one of us tends to get a little bored and rebellious. And in most cases these days, that's usually me....

Not too long ago, I made the rather impulsive decision to try to cut my hair- which was not as difficult as I thought it would be. I figured that since I'd turned into a proverbial stone, taking a pair of ordinary scissors to my hair wouldn't work.

Alice & Rosalie both had their doubts when I told them about my experiment.

'Bella, there's no point- you'll just end up breaking the scissors,' Rosalie said, always looking at me with a hint of anger.

I didn't use to be able to understand where she came from...but now I fully well grasped it.

Then again, being the stubborn baby that I've always been, I overlooked their words and took the pieces of metal to my hair any way.

Imagine my face, when I stood in the mirror and managed to cut a single strand of my supposed 'steel-like' hair. I was ecstatic, seeing the one lonely strand fall to the vanity counter.

Finally, I saw a way to change my appearance in a more natural, old-Bella way. Not that I would've ever tried to cut my own hair.

I emerged from the bathroom a good hour and a half later, with my locks hanging down an inch past my chin, instead of mid-back. It wasn't the best cut in the world, especially since my hair tended to be curly in odd ways. It wasn't quite like Alice's hair, but more wavy and angled. With my new face, at least I figured I could pull it off. Maybe.

The first person to see my new look was Alice. She knew what it was going to look like before I did, so I watched her facial expression with interest, when I went into her and Jasper's room.

As I figured, she was not too happy with it.

"Bella," she reminded me; "I sincerely hope that you remembered your hair cannot grow back. It will always be that length, from now on."

Not wanting to admit that I hadn't thought about that part yet, I merely shrugged, walking back down the long hallway of Alice & Jasper's wing. I knew that Rosalie was downstairs, sitting with the rest of the family, so I listened for where Esme was.

She was humming to herself, hanging up a new piece of art on the wall, by the main staircase. I was next to her in an instant, grinning like an idiot.

She turned towards me, with one eyebrow cocked and smiled gently.

"It does make your face stand out even more. Beautiful, Bella," she said, nodding for me to go downstairs and show-off to everyone else.

I agreed, chuckling to myself as I was down the stairs in an instant. I peeked around the wall, to see that all of the men were watching some sports game on tv, while Rosalie was watering the plants in the living room. I caught her eye, as she put down the small watering can and followed me into the foyer.

She almost shrieked when she saw my hair, staring at me, then thinking about something for two seconds, before grinning widely at me.

"What, you don't like it?" I asked, thrown off by her look.

"I suppose it looks nice. At least now I know who remains with the winning locks in the family!" she laughed, bringing up a joke from years before. I nodded, laughing along with her. I could hear Edward's footsteps leading out of the other room, so before he had a chance to move anymore, I pulled back my shield and shouted at him to stay put. I heard his huff and giggled to myself.

"Go back in there, I have something to show everyone." I said, waiting to hear him sit back in his previous seat.

I slowly walked into the living room, where every head was turned my way. If I were still human, I would've been scarlet-red.

I heard a sharp-intake of breath from Edward, but noticed my brother's faces first. Emmett let out a wolf-whistle, laughing defensively when Rosalie chucked a pillow at his head. Jasper smiled his lopsided-smile and nodded in approval. Carlisle mentioned my resemblance to a famous muse for paintings, in Ancient Greece.

I chuckled nervously as I took in Edward's reaction.

At first, he seemed to disapprove of me chopping off all my long locks, but once he took in the style and the way it hung around my face, a rather wicked smile graced his lips.

Two minutes later, we were back in our cottage while Edward, uh, took in the new sights and scenes.

It seemed to impress him somewhat, I thought, as he ran his hands through my hair over and over again. Every now and then, he would murmur something about me being a 'stupid, silly girl for cutting off your beautiful hair.'

But then he would growl and let his mind ride shot-gun to his body, for a while.

Life as a Cullen was never better. Especially being Mrs. Edward Cullen- a feat I have yet to figure out how I pulled off.

Even still, with my mind being vaguely human, I remember my pre-supernatural days. Before I knew about Edward. Before I started school at Forks High. Before I moved away from my Mom and Phil...sunny days in Phoenix, playing outside in the dirt as a kid.

And then I'll go forward in time, remembering how nervous I was, my first day at Forks. How Eric and Mike had fawned over me out of novelty. How there was a peculiarity about the kids that sat in the far corner of the cafeteria. Then of course, Edward's expression the first time I sat next to him in Biology. How it went from pure hatred in his eyes, to pure adoration, all in a matter of weeks.

I think of a lot of those memories, especially since my mind has the capacity to do so much more at once (a skill I wish I'd had as a human, most definitely,).

And then...I think of the other boy who only had adoring eyes for me...and how fate worked to make two people who were meant to be for each other, never make it that far....


	3. Part III

Changes In The After

Part III- Rusted Underneath, Still Runs Good.

The very first thought that ran through my head after the transformation? Before I opened my eyes, all I could think was what would a certain teenage-werewolf say, if he were to see me now? But then of _course_ I opened my eyes and was wrapped up in a million other things at once.

I didn't think much of that thought again until two weeks later, when I received the first call.

Edward answered the phone, since I was trying to perfect my 'rough/normal' voice, for my parents. He'd looked up at me and in the softest whispered; "Jacob."

My eyes had stung instantly, remembering that I couldn't actually cry tears, nor had I known how to get rid of the burning sensation. And I had no idea of what I would say to Jake.

I'd picked up the phone and held it to my ear, just so I could hear his deep breathing on the line. It had felt a little bit like a home-coming.

Edward said he'd be back in a little while, most likely to give me some privacy. He was always so understanding....

"Jake?" I whispered, barely loud enough for him to hear.

"Bells? Are you okay?" he asked, his voice starting to panic.

"Yes, I'm better than okay, actually," my voice trailed off, knowing that he would instantly know.

He let out a sigh and through the phone I could hear him biting his lip. "So I guess you made it through alive. Well, you know what I mean," he stated, trying to sound reasoning.

I smiled.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that. How's it going over there? Anything new?"

"Ha, as _if_ you had to _ask_. It's like a damn soap-opera over here, naturally," he snorted.

I took in a great big breath and let it out, making a strange whoosing sound. This was what I have been waiting for- an understanding from my best friend. The 'okay, I guess it's okay', if you will. Not that Jacob would _ever_ find it okay that I became a vampire, practically his mortal enemy.

But things were very different now, even with the pack and my family. They had been allies in battle- something that was never forgotten by either side.

-----------------------------------------------------

The rest of the thirty minute conversation went by so quickly, I don't think I even breathed. Jacob had to go since he was helping Billy with dinner. We said our goodbyes and before I hung up, he spoke again.

"Bella? When do you think uh, I'd be able to...come see you? Will I be able to come see you...? Or are you going to come see Charlie, maybe for Christmas? I mean I was just wondering bec-" he paused as he heard me sigh.

"Jake, I don't really know. I mean this is all really new for me and I don't want to take any chance of hurting Charlie or...you. It may be a while," I said, sadness ringing true in my voice.

"But I thought that uh...Jasper? said that you had the best control he'd ever seen before? Doesn't that count for something?" he asked me, his voice pleading.

"Yeah, but I would really rather _die_ than test it out on you all. I know it's going to be hard...So hard. I miss you like crazy already, Jake. But I don't want to push it, y'know?"

"Sure, sure," was his response. He said he had to go again and before I had the chance to say 'bye' again, he hung up. So this was obviously going to take some getting used to....

------------------------------------------------

On Christmas Eve, I finally gave in.

I couldn't be seen by any humans, just because they would notice the difference in my appearance right away.

So in an effort to surprise Jacob, I stood at the treaty's borderline, between La Push and Forks. Standing on the Forks side, I felt alienated, like I was no longer allowed to be part of what I once was. I supposed that it was true, in a way. I couldn't set foot across the border without permission of some kind, the way I figured it.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed movement in the woods on either side of the road. I could smell them and I knew that they could see and smell _me_.

The smell of wet-dog infiltrated my senses, making me laugh as I realized what everyone had been talking about, all along. My tinkling laugh turned almost normal, as I laughed harder, feeling dizzy from the stench and the beautiful smell of the forest. I heard a whimper behind me, as I turned to stare right into the face of a horse-sized wolf.

I gently smiled when his bowed head finally looked up and nudged me against my shoulder.

"Aw, Jake. I missed you too much. So yeah, I couldn't stay away," I murmured, wanting to try to roughen up my voice for him. But it was really no use; this was who I decided to be, afterall.

His big black eyes looked saddened by my words and I immediately wished to take them back. I couldn't help being so enthusiastic about seeing him. My world felt kind of empty without having seen him for three months.

Suddenly, he took off like a flash into the trees.

A short minute later, Jacob was leaning up against the tree, shirtless as usual and with a sly smile on his face. I felt a slight burning in my throat, but ignored it, taking notice at how the other wolves retreated back.

"So are you just going to stand there, or are you going to come say hello?" I asked.

He smiled my smile, letting it go from ear to ear and started running towards me. What really threw me off was how he didn't try to stop as he collided with me, falling backwards as if he ran headlong into a wall. I laughed at his attempt to thwart me.

"Damn, I thought I could knock you down!" he laughed, rubbing his chest.

"Bring it _on_," I'd beckoned with my finger. He narrowed his eyes in concentration, backing up further and further.

As he did this, so did I- backing up half a step for every two steps he took.

At the same time, we launched ourselves at each other, once again colliding in mid-air- -only this time we both fell back to the ground, lying back and laughing for what felt like forever.

After the laughter died down, he propped himself up on his elbows, turning towards me. His nose wrinkled up in disgust, as a breeze went past us. I copied him, which caused us both to start laughing again.

I stood up first- asking if I could cross the 'forbidden line'. He rolled his eyes and took my hand to pull me over to his side of the road.

We both recoiled as we felt how different each other's skin felt. To me, it felt like I had just stuck my hand on a hot stove. We looked at each other for a long pause when I realized that we were still holding hands and I could hear his heartbeat pick up pace. I knew that this was the part where I would usually blush profusely...but old habits die hard. There was no tell-tale sign of the memories that flashed in my eyes.

His hand was a never-ending low flame, while mine was probably closer to dry-ice.

He dropped my hand first, shrugging as I pointed towards the trail through the woods that led down to his house.

Our conversation jumped from one thing to the next, as always. There were lots of belittling comments that made me feel almost _human_ again. Lots of pointless-nothing-to-worry-about talk.

We were in the garage most of the day, sitting and talking. He never asked me the questions that I thought he might. Like, 'What's it like being a vampire?' 'How bad do I _really_ smell?' 'Do you like it?' 'Do you break a lot of things?'

No, this was Jake...and he wasn't going to bring up the obvious fact of me being a vampire, unless he absolutely had to.

Luckily, I was still just Bells to him. And with a clear recollection such as mine, it's easy to remember things verbatim. Even a conversation that opened and closed doors between a girl and a boy. Because at that moment, that's all we were. No vampire and werewolf...no supernatural freakiness. Just a guy and a girl clearing the air.

I'd never really noticed before, but Jacob and I were very close. Not in the figurative way, but we literally sat very close any time we were together. The little bit of skin from his arm that was exposed by mine...it burned me in a not-entirely unpleasant way.

The memory of that day still stings slowly when I think about it now...

Lying on the grass, neither one of us in need of a jacket in the snow.

Out of the corner of my excellent peripheral vision, I watch how Jake's chest rises and falls contently. I hold back my breath for a second, matching my breaths with his. We were sometimes so close in odd not-able-to-be described ways...that I remembered the feelings again.

They ran deeper and more open than they had in my previous life. This both excited me and scared me to death.

I was hoping that my human mind would fog over those details so that I could give myself completely back over to Edward. He deserves only the best from me, afterall.

I strained my eyes to the sky, looking in amazement at the stars. Just like in Alaska, they were out in an abundance. It really was a beautiful scene to behold- the snow on the ground and trees, the clear night sky peppered with stars. It was like a back-lit blanket with a thousand holes cut in it.

I could feel his eyes on mine, waiting for me to turn and say something.

"You're so....still," he murmured, causing me to turn my head, in question. I'd forgotten that he wasn't used to this.

I nodded, folding my hands behind my head, mirroring his pose.

"I'm...sorry that I'm not...good with what to say to all this." he gestured up and down to me lying there. I closed my eyes, not wanting to hear him say he was sorry. As if he could help it.

"Jake, it's not something you'll get used to this quickly. Hell, sometimes I'm still shocked when I look in the mirror."

"Why? Because you can't see yourself?" he smirked.

My face contorted into a slight grimace. How did he know that? How could he always just..._know_? I thought this for half a second before seeing the joke underneath what I'd taken out of context. He noticed.

"You know because you're a...v-vampire and you have no reflection," he teased, not wanting to say the v-word.

I nodded, jokingly poking him in his side. He growled playfully, causing me to hiss uncontrollaby, which in turn caused him to chuckle. What a odd feeling of freedom.

"You missed this, didn't you?" he asked, in his all-too-knowing voice.

I barely got out a "Yes," before he started talking again.

"It's been a while Bells. A long time. Even before you...left, we hadn't really just hung out, y'know?" he mused.

I took in a sharp breath, because he was completely right and for that, I felt like a crummy friend. I turned to face him, taking in the sight of the moonlight filtering through the trees and onto him and I.

"Yeah. It's kinda weird how we seem to be getting along better now, than before we were....enemies or what the hell ever," I agreed. His eyes shifted in expression. So many things were going through his mind; I could see that.

Suddenly he was half over-top of me with his hand shaking me and my shoulders, his warm breath very close to my face.

"Don't. Ever. Say. That. We are not enemies. We are Jacob and Bella. You hear me?! You got that?? We could never be...we'll _always be..._why would you even th-" he sputtered fiercely. My eyes widened at how close in proximity we were. And how I felt like bursting into flames and how I felt like smacking him for taking it that way.

"Jacob, calm down. You know what I mean and _damnit _you can't get so _close to-me _like _this_ anymore. I'm married, remember?" I hissed at him, standing myself upright. My voice accented all the wrong parts and lie flat for all the right ones.

He saw his mistake, jumping up and holding his hands up in surrender. I sighed, dusting the wet snow off of my clothes.

"Please Bells, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you mad. Just, don't go yet, 'kay? You can stay for Christmas, right? Will he mind?" he begged, pouting at me.

"Jake, I don't know..." my voice trailed off, wondering what Edward would think of me not showing up for Christmas morning.

As if he could read my thoughts, Jake interrupted them;

"You know, I don't have tons of presents here waiting for you. I didn't buy you _one_ thing for Christmas. I mean I can understand if you want to go back home and unwrap all the _big, expensive_-"

"Fine. I'll stay, jeez... But Charlie can't know, okay? I haven't exactly thought that one out yet." I gave in, laughing again, when he picked me up and twirled me around like old times.

I went back to my car, grabbing my overnight bag and cell phone. I made a quick call to Edward, who gracefully understood and wished me a merry Christmas, asking me to call him tomorrow morning, once everyone there had woken up. I was back to the Black's house in less than two seconds.

Upon entering the house, I saw Billy sitting in his wheelchair, covered in a red and black checkered blanket.

Billy looked me up and down with a cautious eye, before letting out a booming laugh and reaching out to hug me.

I laughed with him, settling down into the small couch in their living room. I had just been hunting an hour or so before meeting up with Jacob, so my thirst was very mild. Billy did smell delicious of course, but this was Billy and therefore I was able to reason with myself. Somehow.

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Hours later, Billy went to bed, leaving us to our silence and "It's A Wonderful Life."

"I hate this movie," Jacob yawned, resting his arm along the back of the couch behind me.

"It's not the most uplifting holiday movie, that's for sure, " I agreed.

A few minutes went by before I noticed Jake's heartbeat slow down a few beats, giving way to a soft snore in my ear. I sighed, forgetting that he still needed sleep. I was a little surprised that he didn't want to stay up and talk since he really didn't _need that much sleep_, right?

I watched as all of the hard lines in his face smoothed out into soft skin, devoid of any pain or angst. He was peaceful, finally.

I then wondered what kind of right I had, coming here and giving Jacob even the smallest glimmer of hope. How could I continually do this to him?

Oh that's right! Because I carried all previous feelings with me into my new life and in it, I can't change them. I'm unchanging. And also cruel.

I started to get up, trying not to shift anything to cause him to wake. His snoring stopped abruptly, as one of his eyes opened, daring me to move. I started to protest, but he laid his head on my shoulder.

"Just let this be. Just for a few more minutes, okay?" he whispered sleepily, bringing his arm behind me, around my shoulders.

"Can we at least get into a more comfortable...position?" I muttered half to myself. His eyes popped back open, taking in my gaze and shifting so that he was sitting up. He pulled me so that I was lying against his chest facing the opposite way. I leaned back into the flame, knowing that deep down...it wasn't completely wrong.

"This better, honey?" he asked, his voice softer than I'd ever heard it before. I nodded slowly, closing my eyes as he brushed the hair from off of my shoulder, leaving an almost-kiss where his fingers grazed.

Notwrongnotwrongnotwrong.

But then again...notrightnotrightnotright.

Minutes passed before I felt Jacob chuckle to himself.

"What's so funny?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"Nothing, just that it's midnight. So...Merry Christmas, Bells. I'd say sorry for not getting you anything, but we both know you're secretly relieved," he said, his voice light and teasing again. I swatted very carefully at him, making sure to not break anything.

"Oh whatever. Besides, you did get me something. Your friendship!" I added in a very cheesy tone. I felt him shake his head, making me laugh.

"Merry Christmas, Jake. Here's to a whole new...something," I said, acting like I had something in my hand to toast with. We bumped fists, giggling at our own funny little joke.

I laid there, up against Jacob, for hours. I listened to hearbeat, his snoring, the light murmuring in sleep.I figured that I would stay him up against him until he woke.

Looking back up at him, I finally saw the faint smile that was his mouth. He was happy here. With me.

And how could I take that happiness from him? How could I look him in the eyes and tell him it's not the same for me. That I don't feel the contentment, the love, too? It would be a downright lie to say that I didn't notice the way I was waiting for my face or my heart-beat to give my thoughts away. Like I said, old habits. And the way that I'm so glad he decided to accept me this way? How would I push that all out of my always-thinking mind?

I'd have to figure out some way, whatever the circumstances were.

A few hours later, after lying up against him and wondering things- he finally yawned.

I laughed when he breathed out, reeking of morning breath. He wrapped his arms around me this time, scooting us further down the sofa, until he was able to lie back on his side, pulling me with him. My eyes widened in fear as he squeezed me, breathing heavily in my ear, behind me. I broke out of his hold, sitting up and pulling my fingers through my hair.

"Hey Jake, Merry Christmas!" I turned to face him, giving him a quick hug and standing up. He groaned, throwing a pillow at my head with perfect precision. Except that I dodged it before it had a chance to hit me.

I went into their bathroom to freshen up, almost forgetting about the present for Jake in my car. I snuck out to grab it, before he had any idea that I was gone.

He rolled his eyes at me, as he saw enter the doorway with the wrapped rectangle in my hands. I pouted, questioning if I should make him wait until Billy was up to open it or not.

"It's hardly fair, this one-way gift-giving idea. You're something else, Bella," he huffed.

"But this came from Santa, himself! He thought you were a very good boy this year. No coal in your stocking this year!" I smirked, thrusting the present onto the sofa next to him.

He opened it, grinning when he saw the brand new socket-wrench set. Billy came in from his bedroom, mumbling about it being to early for all the noise. And that he needed some coffee.

Once Billy had settled into the living room with us, they opened their few presents for each other. I knew that they didn't give out very much for Christmas, being as they didn't even really celebrate it.

The morning was over quickly and before I realized it, I was calling Edward and telling him how much I missed him and wanted to be home with him. I planned on leaving as soon as I said my goodbyes.

But I saw Jacob glance away from looking at me, taking a slow bite of his oatmeal. Another sting at my eyes.

We sat at the table, quietly, saying goodbye to Billy as he head over to meet Charlie at Sue's house. At the very mention of my father's name, I felt the rough pull of a sob from deep within my chest. Jacob was immediately picking me up and cradling me like a small child, trying to soothe me. He knew how I hated being so close to my Dad, but not being able to see him.

"Shh, Bells, it's okay. You'll figure out a way to make it work out. And it will, I know it will," he shushed me, rocking me back and forth as dry sobs wracked through my body, threatening to overtake me.

"J-J-Jake, it's just n-not f-f-air! I can't s-see my own C-Charlie!! And I can't...I can't...I just _can't_," I agonized, feeling like I was suddenly getting it.

He pulled my chin to look up at him, stroking my hair with his free hand. There were only but a few inches between us, causing me to feel sickly hot.

But, then it didn't matter, because the small, crying little girl from my bedroom- the one who never wanted to let this all go, she came back with a vengance. I tried to battle her, but when we saw the pained look in Jacob's eyes, she roared to life.

I grabbed onto him almost too fiercely, looking hard at him, my lips hovering so close to his.

"Don't overthink it Jake. Just...let it..."

I couldn't speak as my lips brushed his smooth as silk cheek, kissing up his jaw-line, and then his forehead down to the other side of his jaw. I heard him gulp as my lips quickly grazed over his earlobe, then his chin. I held his face there, for just one more second, my gaze fixated on his beautiful, full lips.

I hesitated awkwardly, my lips so close to his. He made no move to encourage or discourage me.

I lean forward and let our lips meet, lighting a fire deep within me somewhere. I pulled away, still looking intently at his mouth, swooping back down to kiss him again.

This time...he kissed me back.

Our lips crashed together, over and over again as my tongue traced a line across his bottom lip. His hands wound themselves into my hair, pulling me to face him full-on.

No one would ever see this (at least, no one besides the Pack,) no one would ever see this historic moment in time. A vampire and a werewolf, kissing like two people desperate.

That's when I thought of _him_. Him waiting for me to come back to his arms, to lie with him only to never sleep again.

I kissed Jacob once, twice more, pulling myself to sit up straight. I silenced the inner voice who was sobbing as she realized what I was doing.

This meant that I wouldn't be able to stay so close to him anymore. Not alone, anyway. I whispered to him that I had to go or Edward would worry about me, unecessarily.

I saw the mechanical nod and did the thing I most regret, out of all of it.

I lied to my best friend. I lied to him so that he would break, so that he could finally mend.

"I just...I just had to know what that was like. Morbid curiosity, I guess," I smiled sheepishly at him.

He stared back with a hardened face. His face twisted into a sneer as he replied "Well I hoped you like the show. Glad to know it amused you. Now if you don't mind, I'd rather not _reek_ of a blood-sucker, so please remove yourself."

Ouch.

I nodded curtly, knowing that I'd deserved worse. I left right after that disaster, rushing home as quickly as the plane would take me.

Edward could tell that we were pretty close, judging by the wrinkled nose accompanying his crooked grin. But that didn't matter to him. So it in turn, didn't matter to me.

We still talked to each other- Jake & I.

But when he decided to visit me the next summer, I made sure Edward was always at my side, just in case the little girl from before grew powerful again. It took a decade before I allowed myself to be alone with him. Nothing happened.

-----------------------------------------------

Now, we go hang out by ourselves, usually, when he comes to see me. There's always a hint of sadness in his eyes, but in his own biting words, that's the brakes. In deep, deep thoughts, sometimes I wonder what my life would've been like, flipped on the other side of the coin. But at this point, there's no use in wondering when it turned out completely differently.

-------------------------------------------------

All in all, my relationship with him rusted through...but still hanging on because of our persistance.

Maybe that's how it really had to be, though.

Maybe I was really meant to hate myself just a sliver, just at night, when I want to feel warm for once.

Sometimes, I've been told, I overthink it. Sometimes I know...that he was always right.


End file.
